Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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