I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
