Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
