Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
