I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
