Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
