Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
