Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
