everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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