All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
