oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize