it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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