Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
