Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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