i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
