I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
