No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize