he wants to bone in the snuggie
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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