Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
