So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
