Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
