I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
