If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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