I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
