If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize