I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
