the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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