my mouth tastes like poor choices
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
