Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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