you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
