sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need a beard to bite.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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