'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
