Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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