I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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