I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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