she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
