the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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