Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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