My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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