My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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