what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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