I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drunk is a universal language darling
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
