I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
