I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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