Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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