I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
