we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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