Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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