Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
