Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
