Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
