also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
