i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
