I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
