just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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