Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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