just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
