Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
