Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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