the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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